This is going to be a long one!

Monday 27th July, 5:15pm
Run No. 2713

Well, today started with me preparing my presentation for Tuesday's MMC meeting. Yes, unlike certain committee members who seem to believe PowerPoint is some sort of tropical disease, I actually prepare. Mind you, I'm still convinced I'm wasting my time. The backend has been built to be idiot proof, the frontend is just as simple, and yet somehow I suspect someone will still manage to ask a question that was answered on slide two.

My usual chauffeur was one of today's hares, so I cadged a lift to yet another familiar run site. We've been there so many times I reckon even the local dogs know where the first check is. As there was nothing for this hare to do once we'd arrived, I nobly volunteered to babysit his garden. By babysit, I mean I sat there with a cold beer in hand making sure nobody stole the plants. A tough job, but someone's got to do it.

Gradually the usual suspects wandered in. Plenty of banter, plenty of abuse, all delivered with the warmth only hashers can manage. Five minutes before the off I was in my own little world when another harrier shouted, "Come on then!" so off we wandered.

Now here's where it all went gloriously tits up.

This is a trail we've run countless times. Out the gate, turn right, simple enough. At the end turn left. We hadn't gone more than a couple of hundred and a left turn, strange OK, a few hundred yards yards before we reached a road to the right. Sitting right at the entrance of the road was... a bloody Bar.

Not a check. Not a false trail. A Bar.

The bloke beside me has been hashing since he was twelve and is now well into his forties. I've been chasing paper for over twenty five years myself. Between us we've seen just about every dirty trick a hare can pull.

Neither of us had ever seen a Bar placed like that.

Naturally we stood there scratching our heads like a pair of confused Labradors. Surely if they wanted us down that road, straight on! they'd have put the Bar further in? If this was the wrong road, surely there'd be another Bar where we were heading?

Nope.

We carried straight on, found blue chalk further up and thought, "Right then, we're on." Around the lake we went, through the usual shiggy and eventually back towards base. By then my back had started reminding me I'm not twenty five anymore, so when I realised we'd joined the in-trail I happily called it a day.

As it turned out, everyone else had been making the trail up as they went along too.

The front runner was spotted charging round the opposite side of the lake on what appeared to be his own personal hash. Everyone else happily followed various interpretations of the markings and collectively managed to get lost less than a kilometre into the run.

That's almost impressive.

Back at base I cracked open another beer, stuck my phone on and enjoyed the my music while the returning runners/walkers drifted in looking like a group who'd just discovered free beer had been cancelled. There was plenty of muttering, plenty of pointing and the odd suggestion that perhaps the hares had been sampling the beer before laying trail.

Circle was handled by the trainee RA, who did a decent job despite the regular interruptions from the senior RA. Like teaching someone to swim while repeatedly dragging them back to the shallow end. Still, it kept everyone entertained, and I managed to plug Thursday's Fullmoon Hash, yes this Thursday. Get your names down. It's live hare for now. If no runners, it'll be as dead run/walk as the excuses from anyone claiming they "didn't see the registration."

Food followed and, fair play, it was spot on. Nicely cooked, not ridiculously spicy, and plenty of hot sauce sitting there for those who like to punish themselves. Exactly how it should be. Let people choose their own level of suffering.

On On, you magnificent bunch of piss artists, paper chasers and professional trail critics.

Remember, your loyalty belongs to hashing, not to one particular kennel. There's enough paper, beer and bad decisions for everyone. Support your local hashes. Saturday, Monday and Wednesday, PMS and Fullmoon. Your liver might file an official complaint, but your soul will thank you for it.

🍺 Upcoming Mischief

CH4. Wednesday 29th July.
Colombo's fastest growing bad habit is back. Expect fresh paper, sneaky checks and at least one hasher loudly insisting the hare hasn't got a clue, moments before discovering they've been following a goat track for twenty minutes. Trail, beer and confusion guaranteed.

CFMH3 Mixed Hash, Fullmoon with a Howl. Thursday 30th July.
The Fullmoon returns. The moon will shine, the beer will flow and somehow everything that goes wrong will still be the hare's fault. Wander through the darkness, shout "On On!" into the jungle and finish the night convinced you were never actually lost, just "exploring an alternative route."

CH3 Mixed Hash. Saturday 1st August.
"It's only a short trail."
Quite possibly the biggest lie ever told by a hare. Expect devious checks, false trails, enough shiggy to ruin your trainers and at least one innocent shortcut that turns into a thirty minute detour. Standard Saturday really.

CH3 Men's Hash. Monday 3rd August.
Another Monday, another chance for the hares to prove they can weaponise paper. Expect cunning checks, sneaky false trails and a shortcut that somehow takes twice as long as staying on trail. By Circle everyone will swear it was brilliant while conveniently forgetting all the colourful language used halfway round.

CPMSH3 Ladies Hash. Monday 31st August.
Never underestimate the ladies. They'll smile sweetly while dismantling your reputation in Circle one joke at a time. Great trails, sharp wit and enough laughter to remind the men why it's usually safer sticking to our own kennel.

Disclaimer
No hashers were deliberately offended during the writing of this report.
Any resemblance to actual people is entirely their own fault.
Facts have been polished, conversations have improved with every beer consumed and distances may have grown slightly in the retelling.

If you recognise yourself, congratulations. You've earned another chapter in Colombo hashing folklore.

If you don't recognise yourself, you were probably checking the wrong trail... again.